Tuesday, November 2, 2010

I've Got Joy...deep deep down in my heart


Dear Joy,

I can't believe tomorrow makes 1 year exactly since you left us. So much has changed yet so much has stayed the same. I want to believe that I'll have a great day tomorrow but...I'm super nervous that I won't. With every passing day...we grieve. For me personally...the hardest thing to do is to Really think about you and Really look at a picture of you or of us (you know I have so many).

I just can't.

If I Really think about you then I have to Really think about the fact that you're gone and Really think about how violently you left this planet. And most times I just don't want to do that. I hope you don't take that to mean that I don't miss you, that I don't want you here, or most importantly that I don't love you...because that's simply not true. It's kinda like I get paralyzed when I think about you...the world stops, I can't pull it together and my emotions and thoughts are all over the place...in essence I'm a mess. I'm not sure that the best way to handle your death is to bury it deep down inside me and pretend that I just haven't spoken to you in a long time, but I honestly don't know how else to do it. How do I live in a world that you don't. How do I exist, let alone succeed in a place where he lives and his trial hasn't even started? I mean it's been a year. A WHOLE YEAR! And nothing. He hasn't been punished for what he did, and I'm not even sure that the verdict a judge could deliver would be punishment enough for what he did to you.

I'm mad Joy. I'm so angry at him, at the situation, at you not being here. The unfairness of it all makes me sick to my stomach. He stole you away from us and didn't think twice about it. I'm mad at myself for insisting that you come up here against his wishes and even planning that stupid trip in the first place. I'm sorry I did it. I wish I could take it back. I don't even like planning things anymore for us to get together (crazy right) it just doesn't seem right-and for fear that something like this might happen again. I'm in a crazy place. But I keep it to myself. I don't really talk about it. Not what happened, not how we're dealing, not anything. I think I'm tricking myself into forgetting. We shouldn't even start talking about forgiveness...I don't even know how to begin that one.

When I think about you, I smile.
When I think about you, I cry.

I think that's how life is gonna be from now on tho. You remain a huge part of who I am and a driving force behind what I want to accomplish. You are forever in my heart. You are a friend, a sister, a confidante, and none of that has changed. Thank you for loving me thru my craziness, thank you for being there for me.

With all my heart I love you. And I will love you always.

"I'm so mad at what the devil did, but I'm glad you in Jesus' arm."

Rest sweet angel.

Joy Alexandria Owens
April 9, 1985-November 3, 2010

1 comment:

  1. lenore....
    i'm sending you such a huge amount of love i can barely contain it. thinking of you, praying for you. thank you so much for showing me courage and beauty today.
    xoxoxoooo
    with sincerity,
    :nee:

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