My Future Home

I AM OFFICIALLY MOVING TO BROOKLYN!!!

Which actually works out well for me. It's a place all by myself (altho we all know I'm really only home to sleep and change clothes) and it's in a house..with a little backyard that we can bbq in and grow stuff if you want (I don't...can't do garden work) and I affectionately refer to it as "The Phone Booth" cuz it's tinsy tiny and I don't wanna call it a bat cave anymore cuz that seems negative...but the phone booth works cuz it reminds me of the goal I'm chasing and when and how to use my superwoman powers for good (again...I only change clothes there...get it)

But the landlords are super sweet and he looked over all my craziness and took a leap of faith with me...I"m eternally grateful! That all being said, thank you for the lists of apts you sent me, the prayers that you prayed, and the ears that you lent when I was freaking out and calling myself homeless :)

He didn't bring me this far to leave me...just sayin...if He'll do it for me...you know the rest. I don't plan to live there forever but it works for now and gives me a chance to experience Brooklyn in a way I kinda secretly always wanted to.

That being said I am starting COMPLETELY over...it's not as gut-wrenching as my move from C'ton...cuz I cried for hours...but it's leaving my safety-net...all the friends I know (well for the most part) live in the city...I know 2 people in BK...like two. So it's like being the new kid on the block...literally...and I'm not gonna be in denial...BK is a hike for the fam jam that stays in Harlem....But mama says this is an adventure and it certainly is.

I've noticed that the things that make me nervous/scared have turned out to be some of my greatest experiences. I'm supposed to learn something/get something outta this experience..haven't quite figured it out yet. Anywho, God is Good and Life is certainly Good...that was the message from church on Sunday....

So Sunday...I will officially be a Brooklynite...my address will actually say Brooklyn in it. Weird. But it should be a good look for me. I just hope my friends will visit :)

Ciao

What changed?

Nope..still haven't found an apartment.
Nope...haven't become a full-time actress with international commercial ads yet.
Nope...still taking the subway to and from work and class each day.
Nope...didn't get a million dollars and all my money trouble go away yet.
Nope...haven't booked my TV show yet.

So what gives? What's new? What happened? What changed?

I did.

My situation still looks the same...facing homelessness, instability about the future, and still unsure. But my attitude! My attitude is completely different this week. Last week I was all stressed out, being mean, and just simply down in the dumps about EVERYTHING...but I realized I was so unhappy. So instead of focusing on the hole, I'll focus on the donut :)

Silly analogy but I think u get my point. I was so busy freaking out about what I didn't have and how everything was going wrong and worrying about how everything is going to fall into place that I forgot. I forgot about the things that I do have.

A job...so really Lenore, you're not broke u just need to budget better.
An amazing support of family and friends (who have all sent me apts to look at, arranged movers to help me, volunteered to come and help, etc)
And faith in God that it will all get better.

At this point I think it's all funny! Life is so crazy at times I just have to laugh. My situation really and truly isn't THAT bad. It could be 10 times worse, I could be 10 times worse off. So I've decided to have a better attitude about everything. And recognize my godwinks as they come (they've been coming lately and all I can do is smile) and laugh at my circumstances.

Like really, did he bring me this far to leave me homeless?

I sincerely doubt that. There must be a reason. There has to be something I'm supposed to get out of it.

Maybe I'm supposed to learn budgeting/saving better? I mean things like this does happen and I should be prepared. I mean if I can't handle the money I do have...how's it gonna work when you make millions doing films, etc?

Anyway, I'm a happy girl and I laugh all the time. Not to say I don't get overwhelmed at times and feel like all the walls are closing in. But even when that happens I start to count all the things I"m doing at once and laugh at how it all, idk how, but it all gets done somehow. And I do all the things well! My plate is not full. It's filled with a lot but it's not full...I bet I could squeeze a few more things on there if the need called for it (dear Jesus...I'm not asking for that, I'm just saying I could).

I'm growing. I'm maturing. I'm still looking for an apt (so if you know something, let me know) And thru it all, I'm standing and I'm smiling.

Speaking of smiling.

Yesterday I had an audition. And GUESS WHAT!!! You know those bras that can change their straps and go different ways? Well I wore one of those yesterday and I guess I was being too silly and moving around too much (I got to the audition early and kinda started dancing before it cuz I was bored and needed to loosen up...it made me laugh) ANYWAY!! They call my name for my turn and THE STRAP COMES ALOOSE!! I couldn't believe it...and there was no way to fix it cuz the hallway was filled with guys and girls that were waiting and the casting guy was looking at me to come in. Ugh!! All I could do was laugh! Talk about being free in an audition!! I was free in more ways than one :)

But they both said I gave a great read so we'll see how that turns out, I"ll keep ya posted. It was so funny! That's all I have for ya now.

Toodles.

DAY 716 OF APT HUNT

So no I know this isn't a life or death situation...got it.

But this is troubling to me. This seriously bothers me..not knowing where you are gonna call home in a few days, $.16 to your name, and horrid credit is a problem renting an apt in NYC, just saying. There are some difficulties. There is some uncertainty. Yes I am a believer, yes I am a generally happy and positive person, but good grief can a girl grieve? Can a chick be given some slack and not be happy just for a minute. No I'm not perfect, never claimed to be...seriously I'm testy, moody and emotional right now so why test me? I might have even snapped at my mama today :( Why put urself in that position?

If you know me and you know me well...why do you push the buttons you know are going to irritate me? Make me not wanna talk to you..and then get mad cuz I don't wanna talk? I simply cannot understand...it's weird. I just want to be heard, want my feelings validated (cuz guess what, they're real) and you don't have to solve all solutions, sometimes listening is simply enough. Berating me, fussing, asking me a whole bunch of questions....um, not so helpful.

Wanna be helpful...laugh with me. Laugh at me. Gimme a hug. Say, "dang that sucks" Look up apts on craigslist u think I might like. These are things that would be helpful. Saying what I'm going thru is tiny and not a big deal...not a good look. Makes me wanna take my feelings and go home. Go talk to somebody else who gets it. Who understands I'm not looking for a magic wand, not looking for you to solve my problem, not even looking for you to do it for me. Offering a hand...awesome. Just listening...that's good enough for me.

Make things better not worse. Is that too much to ask?

I think it makes it harder to accept people not listening to me cuz I'm such a great listener. I know my strengths and weaknesses and I know that people talk to me about whatever big or small and I give them my undivided attention. And I don't make them feel judged about whatever they're telling me, I don't make them feel uncomfortable, I don't discount whatever they're going thru, tell them about my problems instead, make it all about me, I don't try and solve the problem-if I can help I absolutely do, if I can't and I know somebody who can, I'll point them in the direction of someone who can. So when people don't listen to me or I feel like I can't talk to you, that bothers me more than anything. Yes, I don't mind listening to you and being there for you and what's going on with you but when I need someone to listen to me and you can't do that....it almost always turns back into what's going on in ur life, the trials ur having right now...that's kind of a lop-sided relationship. No reciprocity of 'getting things of ur chest' which is monumentally important. At least that's what I think.

Guess I have to be fearless, doubtless, positive, happy, upbeat, chipper, up at all times in order to please some people. Can't be the 'real' u which has doubts sometimes, which cries sometimes, which is unsure at times around everyone. Even people that call themselves your friend. That sucks.

All that to say, no. Haven't found an apt yet. Still on the search. OMG!!

I saw one apt that was beautiful and another that I was itching to get out!! Literally ITCHING!! There was plastic covering everything from the furniture to the floor...couldn't do it. It was actually a converted one bedroom into 'two' Homegirl was really nice helpful but lived in the living room behind blinds. Don't mean to be stuck up but c'mon son, that's not ok.

I'm gonna apply for this app with the city...apparently there's these apartments that are really nice but are based on your income and it's by a lottery. I really hope I get one of those!!

Whatever it is...God...I could really use a break...just sayin...now would be GREAT!!

Working on my E! True Hollywood Story

So in an effort not to tell u all my business and all the business of my roommate...let's just say I find myself unexpectedly in search of a new place to live. Like today is Sunday and I found out Friday. It's kind of a scary place to be. For a number of reasons...the biggest being the fear of the unknown.

If you know me at all you know I hate surprises...I really hate the bad ones and right now all I see is bad. I'm trying to stay positive and only focus on the good, I mean my situation could be A LOT worse...but this still sucks. I find myself in a new city, with not too many friends, with depleting funds (I mean face it, with school expenses and living in NY...I haven't been saving like I should-lesson learned) I face an uncertainty that I wouldn't have back home in the small comfort of my hometown.

Face it. I'm here. Alone. And scared. I don't know what tomorrow will bring and I can only ask and believe that God will make a way. I've always heard that saying, "He may not come when you want him, but He'll be there right on time." Well a still small part of me wants to say, please oh please let this the be time His time and my time actually line up! I mean I really need a place to stay that isn't rodent infested, with the tub in the kitchen, and doesn't cost an arm and a leg!

I've always prided myself on being a positive and uplifting person and I guess that's because I've never REALLY had to go thru any hardships...I mean I didn't grow up poor and didn't have any major issues w/ family, school, jobs, etc. And to be honest this has been the toughest year of my entire life. I haven't even been in this place for a year yet and I find myself doing the very thing that I hate doing...moving. It's like your whole world is upside down when you relocate, well for me anyway. And it's not like I can call my daddy up and say hey, can you put all my stuff on the back of ur truck and move me into my new place. Who has a truck and who's gonna move me?

So I'm trying really hard not to complain because I am a believer, I do believe that it all IS going to work out somehow...somehow. I guess this is just a testing of my faith...working on my True Hollywood Story...how I made it thru. Aren't most actors struggling at some point. And what's funny is you know how u keep praying for something to happen and you're working toward it and then something that you totally didn't expect happens instead (ie...really want a tv show and instead I'm forced to move outta my apt, in case u missed it) there must be a bigger plan right? There must be a bigger picture. There has to be a grand design why I have to move right now to whichever place I'm supposed to move to. Perhaps I'm supposed to meet a particular person in my new building, perhaps on my block is going to be the writer for my new show...who knows...that's just the stuff I keep telling myself to keep from kicking and screaming in the floor saying why me Lord?

I think in the end, when I look back over my life, especially this year, I am going to see the reason why I moved to NY, see even clearer the reason why I moved apartments in less than a year and gonna laugh at myself that I ever doubted, even for a minute, myself and God's plan.

It's got to work out...there's just no other way around it.

Interestingly enough when I went apt hunting today (yeah, I'm not wasting anytime, I don't believe that an apt is just gonna fall outta the sky, I have to go looking for it and put forth an effort) I met the cutest family in a small little restaurant in Harlem, they're from southern Cali and just reminded me of my family so much, I actually hugged the mom on my way out. I gave them my card so hopefully we'll stay in touch....idk I feel like there's a reason that I met them today. Perhaps it was my godwink saying everything is gonna be ok cuz when the dad was talking he sounded just like me dad. He said every obstacle is an opportunity to grow, it builds character...if that ain't my daddy I don't know what it.

Anyway...perhaps this is my opportunity to move to BK..idk kinda makes me nervous a little. Any other borough makes me nervous, just the fear of the unknown I guess. Whatever, it's gonna work out. God's favor is gonna work it out.

Just saying...one place that I looked at today was a brownstone and the man that owns it lives in Ga....I thought that was neat, and his daughter lived downstairs. Must be nice.

I'll keep you updated on my search, today's studios were really small...I just didn't get the feeling that I wanted to stay there. I feel like when I walk in I'll know that it's my home.

Unanswered Prayers- Garth Brooks

Here's the song that I was talking about...it's kinda funny and sad at the same time.

Just Finished a Book

So remember when I said I was gonna start reading the book When God Winks at You by SQuire Rushnell..well I finished it this morning (easy read on the train to and from work/class) and it was a good overall book. And a theme that stood out to me is the one about unanswered prayers.

There's actually a song by Garth Brooks (closet country music fan over here) I'll post the song in a minute, with a really cool line


...just because he doesn't answer, doesn't mean he don't care
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.


I really need to remind myself (more often) that there is a plan...I am making steps in the right direction and just because I don't have the answer that I want, right now, does not mean it won't get answered or that I won't be happy ultimately. I may be bummed out that I didn't get the role, or get the meeting but I trust that there is a plan...God hears me and wants the best for me..even if I don't always understand.



Cool quotes from the book:



All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware.
-Martin Buber



Count is all joy when you fall into various trails knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience"
-James 1:2-3

God's winks are messages to the living , not to those who have gone ahead.

God is putting his hand on your shoulder, consoling you, letting you know that our existence is not a continuum but a circle, and connections to loved ones are never lost.

Everything is going to be okay.

Someday you will be up against a wall, and God will make himself known to you at that time.
Then and there, prayer will become a fact of life in your life.

God is a God of second chances.

Dreams come true; without that possibility, nature would not incite us to have them
-John Updike

All you have to do is ask Jesus.

Get down on your knees and thank God you are still on your feet.
-Irish Proverb

Terrible things happen to everyone. Sooner or later, we all have to walk through the valley.

If you want a rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
-Dolly Parton

Leave your baggage behind and get onto your life's path, on a quest for your destiny. Your destiny will not come to you. You need to go to it. And this I promise: the godwinks will be there to guide you.

It's never too late to be what you might have been.
-George Eliot

Your direction toward your destiny will never be altered, and your course will never be corrected if you are still sitting by the side of the road. You must stay in motion-and stay alert for God's winks.

Not until they put their hands on the steering wheels of their lives, and struck out toward their purpose, did extraordinary godwinks begin to unfold.